How To Help (And How NOT To)
Whether you are a parent, a spouse, or a teacher, watching someone you care about struggle in the juggle of life and school or work can be hard! Whether you're a parent, teacher, therapist, or coach, you're itching to lend a hand.
I often get hit with the burning question: "How do I help them?" (Sometimes muttered out of sheer frustration when their help is not accepted...)
So, here's the scoop! I've rounded up 5 common approaches that typically do NOT work for Creatives and 6 rockstar strategies to give a shot instead, all straight from my adventure in guiding Creatives.
DO NOT give unsolicited advice. DO ask questions.
Believe me, I know how tempting it is to give advice, but it is rarely received well unless they ask for it. (If they ask for it, by all means, go for it!) This is because we all need to find our own way and we all have unique experiences and circumstances. Asking questions helps them process their challenge, lets them know that you believe in their ability to figure it out, and tells them that you are there to support them. A few really great simple questions:
→ How can I support you with this?
→ Why do you think this isn’t working for you?
→ What are your ideas on how to handle this?
DO NOT assume what works for you works for them. DO share ideas your ideas with flexibility.
I wish it was that easy! I wish everything that worked for me worked for my clients! But it doesn’t. We have different brains, different preferences, different goals, different experiences, and different circumstances. There are times, though, when I ask, “Can I share what works for me so you can tell me what you think?” When I ask in that way, they are usually open. And then I follow up with questions around what they like and don’t like. If they are interested in trying it, I ask them how they might alter it to suit them better.
DO NOT use the word lazy or imply it in any way. DO investigate the real reason behind the lack of motivation.
Labeling someone as lazy is completely disempowering. It makes procrastination something beyond their control and implies there is something inherently wrong with them. Procrastination is an emotional challenge. There is a trigger, fear, worry, or anxiety that is keeping someone from their natural forward momentum when they are completely unmotivated. When we look at it like this and investigate it, there is valuable information to discover and strategies to create.
DO NOT freak out when things that worked stop working. DO help them figure out why it stopped working.
Structures, routines, and strategies work for a time, but then they often stop working. This can be for soooo many reasons and I wrote about it a bit here. As a Creative human, we get bored. We also grow and change and need our systems to change with us. Anticipate that this is a part of the process that it simply requires some curiosity and creativity. Normalize it and it will be a time of learning, new growth, and empowerment.
DO NOT only focus on their challenges. DO lift up their successes and do other things together.
It’s easy to focus on what is not working. We do it on ourselves and we do it to those we care about. It’s coming from a place of wanting to help and be better, but it can make things worse if we don’t take a break. Noticing successes can breathe life into someone and help them to build off of it. Doing other things together reminds them that they are more that their challenges and that your care isn’t dependent on them “fixing” their problems.
DO NOT approach them feeling anxious. DO find ways to be calm, curious, and confident in your approach.
Creatives are sensitive people. If you are worried, they feel it and worry that they will not figure it out. Look, worry is going to happen. It’s natural. Find some methods to express it outside of who you are trying to help. Take some deep breaths, remind yourself of the challenges they have already overcome, and approach it with the attitude that they can do it. When they feel your confidence, it gives them more confidence.
☆★ Creative Challenge ★☆ Doodle how you want it to feel to support the struggling Creative in your life. What strategy from above might help you to feel that way?